im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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