I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
