well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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