she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
