i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
