U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Can Purell be used as lube?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
