wanna go halves on a baby?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
