the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
