I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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