my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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