Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
where are my eyebrows?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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