Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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