theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
