Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
