I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
