I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
