blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
