i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
