and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
