Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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