Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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