Swine flu is the new snow day.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
