I should be sponsored by Trojan
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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