if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just found puke in my bra..
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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