i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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