I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
