Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
