this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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