after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
