No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
