I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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