so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
