Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
