Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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