i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
pray to the hookup gods
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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