The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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