yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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