At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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