3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
