I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
