my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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