How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
