is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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