dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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