This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
