You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
