You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
