His pubic hair was longer than his dick
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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