my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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