I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
