Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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