his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
