Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
