i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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